Compassionate Mind
Self Compassion
Most of us have the ability to feel and show compassion to others, it is part of what makes us human. It is strange that many of us have difficulty showing and feeling compassion towards ourselves!
We often operate “a double standard”, that is we judge ourselves much more harshly than we would someone else who is in a similar position.
Compassion in psychotherapy
Over the last few years the idea of helping people to acquire “a compassionate mind” has been developed. A lot of work has been done in this area by a psychologist called Professor Paul Gilbert of the University of Derby. Prof. Gilbert and his collaborators have conducted research which shows promising results for the use of Compassionate Mind work for people who tend to be highly critical of themselves.
How Developing a Compassionate Mind Helps
It is fairly predictable that if we are constantly criticised we will feel bad about ourselves, yet many people have very critical thoughts about themselves. It would be easy to say that people should stop being so critical, but this is not easy to do.
With compassionate mind training we try to help people see where their critical thoughts come from, examine whether these thoughts have any justification and find ways of helping people be less critical about themselves. In other words apply the same standards to themselves as they might do to their best friend. In order to do this it is necessary to go beyond the logical, thinking part of the brain. Many people can see that it is not helpful thinking in this way, but still “feel” it.
As the origins of unjustified self criticism may be from early childhood experiences they are often lodged in the part of the brain that deals mainly with emotional feelings. We therefore need to work with this part of the brain as well as the logical, thinking part, to work on information that is stored as physical and emotional feelings as well as thoughts
WAYS TO INCREASE SELF-COMPASSION
When you find yourself in a difficult or painful situation
Self-kindness: Ask yourself; “What would a caring friend say to you in this situation?” “What is a kind and constructive way to think about how I can rectify this mistake or do better next time?” As a gesture of kindness and compassion, try putting your hand over your heart or gently stroking your arm when feeling a lot of pain.
Self-judgement: Remember - some people believe that humans must be perfect. However, would a caring mother say this to her child if she wanted the child to grow and develop? Rather, she is likely to say “we learn by our mistakes”.
Common Humanity: Think about all the other people who have made similar mistakes, gone through similar situations, and so on. “This is the human condition - all humans are vulnerable, flawed, make mistakes, have things happen that are difficult and painful.” “How does my situation give me more insight into, and compassion for, the human experience?”
Isolation: Remind yourself that “I am not the only one going through such difficult times; all people experience things like this at some point in their lives.” Although you can still take full responsibility for your mistakes and failings, it is important to also recognise and understand that your actions and behaviours are connected to other people’s actions and behaviours – “nothing happens in a vacuum.”
Mindfulness: Take several deep, slow breaths and try to be with your pain exactly as it is. Let yourself feel the pain without suppressing, resisting or avoiding it. Take a moment to stop and say to yourself; “This is really hard right now.” Let yourself be moved and touched by your own pain. Try to see the situation clearly with calm, clarity and a balanced perspective. “I fully accept this moment and these emotions as they are.”
Over-identification: Try not to get lost in the drama or storyline of your situation, and feel the feelings as they are, without running away with them. Can you feel the emotions in your body (a constriction in your throat, knot in your stomach etc) without getting lost in the storyline behind the feelings? “These difficult emotions do not define me; such feelings will inevitably change and pass away.” Try not to take your emotions so personally.
The Three Circles Model of Affect
From the work of Prof. Paul Gilbert
The three circles represent systems in our brains, this model gives us a simple way of thinking about how these systems work, it is of course much more complicated than this in reality.
The threat focused, safety-seeking system (Red Circle) is often highly developed in people who get very depressed or anxious, our brain has evolved this way in an effort to try to keep us alive. Unfortunately in order to keep us safe this system gives us lots of “false positives”, that is, it is often telling us that our lives are in danger – even when there is no threat. This produces very powerful feelings and sensations in our bodies. For some people that have had very difficult experiences, especially in childhood this “threat system” seems to be in action for most of the time.
The contented, soothed, connected system (Yellow or Green Circle) is often very under-developed in a lot of people with feelings of anxiety, anger and depression. If we can find ways of developing this system it can provide a sort of anti-dote to the very critical part. You can probably see how the contented, soothing system is often in conflict with the threat system.
The achievement system (Blue Circle) tends to bring positive feelings with it and has provided us with many advantages as human beings. Again it is often in conflict with the other two systems. As an example think about the sort of person that feels bad about themselves, and tries to feel better by getting the approval of other people through achievement. These achievements could be in the form of getting a big house or car, or by getting to the top professionally, or by becoming very rich. It is very difficult for this sort of person to feel soothed, safe and affiliated. In order to try to feel safe the person needs the high levels of arousal in their nervous system that goes with the threat system, and is incompatible with the safe, soothing system – and this is the thing that they are trying to achieve. In fact what we are all doing is just trying to feel as safe and happy as we can.
Our brains have evolved to be very complex, which in lots of ways has enormous advantages for us. But because they are so complex they are very tricky to handle. We are all just trying the best we can to manage this, and all the conflicting and confusing feelings that go with it.
Self Compassion
Most of us have the ability to feel and show compassion to others, it is part of what makes us human. It is strange that many of us have difficulty showing and feeling compassion towards ourselves!
We often operate “a double standard”, that is we judge ourselves much more harshly than we would someone else who is in a similar position.
Compassion in psychotherapy
Over the last few years the idea of helping people to acquire “a compassionate mind” has been developed. A lot of work has been done in this area by a psychologist called Professor Paul Gilbert of the University of Derby. Prof. Gilbert and his collaborators have conducted research which shows promising results for the use of Compassionate Mind work for people who tend to be highly critical of themselves.
How Developing a Compassionate Mind Helps
It is fairly predictable that if we are constantly criticised we will feel bad about ourselves, yet many people have very critical thoughts about themselves. It would be easy to say that people should stop being so critical, but this is not easy to do.
With compassionate mind training we try to help people see where their critical thoughts come from, examine whether these thoughts have any justification and find ways of helping people be less critical about themselves. In other words apply the same standards to themselves as they might do to their best friend. In order to do this it is necessary to go beyond the logical, thinking part of the brain. Many people can see that it is not helpful thinking in this way, but still “feel” it.
As the origins of unjustified self criticism may be from early childhood experiences they are often lodged in the part of the brain that deals mainly with emotional feelings. We therefore need to work with this part of the brain as well as the logical, thinking part, to work on information that is stored as physical and emotional feelings as well as thoughts
WAYS TO INCREASE SELF-COMPASSION
When you find yourself in a difficult or painful situation
Self-kindness: Ask yourself; “What would a caring friend say to you in this situation?” “What is a kind and constructive way to think about how I can rectify this mistake or do better next time?” As a gesture of kindness and compassion, try putting your hand over your heart or gently stroking your arm when feeling a lot of pain.
Self-judgement: Remember - some people believe that humans must be perfect. However, would a caring mother say this to her child if she wanted the child to grow and develop? Rather, she is likely to say “we learn by our mistakes”.
Common Humanity: Think about all the other people who have made similar mistakes, gone through similar situations, and so on. “This is the human condition - all humans are vulnerable, flawed, make mistakes, have things happen that are difficult and painful.” “How does my situation give me more insight into, and compassion for, the human experience?”
Isolation: Remind yourself that “I am not the only one going through such difficult times; all people experience things like this at some point in their lives.” Although you can still take full responsibility for your mistakes and failings, it is important to also recognise and understand that your actions and behaviours are connected to other people’s actions and behaviours – “nothing happens in a vacuum.”
Mindfulness: Take several deep, slow breaths and try to be with your pain exactly as it is. Let yourself feel the pain without suppressing, resisting or avoiding it. Take a moment to stop and say to yourself; “This is really hard right now.” Let yourself be moved and touched by your own pain. Try to see the situation clearly with calm, clarity and a balanced perspective. “I fully accept this moment and these emotions as they are.”
Over-identification: Try not to get lost in the drama or storyline of your situation, and feel the feelings as they are, without running away with them. Can you feel the emotions in your body (a constriction in your throat, knot in your stomach etc) without getting lost in the storyline behind the feelings? “These difficult emotions do not define me; such feelings will inevitably change and pass away.” Try not to take your emotions so personally.
The Three Circles Model of Affect
From the work of Prof. Paul Gilbert
The three circles represent systems in our brains, this model gives us a simple way of thinking about how these systems work, it is of course much more complicated than this in reality.
The threat focused, safety-seeking system (Red Circle) is often highly developed in people who get very depressed or anxious, our brain has evolved this way in an effort to try to keep us alive. Unfortunately in order to keep us safe this system gives us lots of “false positives”, that is, it is often telling us that our lives are in danger – even when there is no threat. This produces very powerful feelings and sensations in our bodies. For some people that have had very difficult experiences, especially in childhood this “threat system” seems to be in action for most of the time.
The contented, soothed, connected system (Yellow or Green Circle) is often very under-developed in a lot of people with feelings of anxiety, anger and depression. If we can find ways of developing this system it can provide a sort of anti-dote to the very critical part. You can probably see how the contented, soothing system is often in conflict with the threat system.
The achievement system (Blue Circle) tends to bring positive feelings with it and has provided us with many advantages as human beings. Again it is often in conflict with the other two systems. As an example think about the sort of person that feels bad about themselves, and tries to feel better by getting the approval of other people through achievement. These achievements could be in the form of getting a big house or car, or by getting to the top professionally, or by becoming very rich. It is very difficult for this sort of person to feel soothed, safe and affiliated. In order to try to feel safe the person needs the high levels of arousal in their nervous system that goes with the threat system, and is incompatible with the safe, soothing system – and this is the thing that they are trying to achieve. In fact what we are all doing is just trying to feel as safe and happy as we can.
Our brains have evolved to be very complex, which in lots of ways has enormous advantages for us. But because they are so complex they are very tricky to handle. We are all just trying the best we can to manage this, and all the conflicting and confusing feelings that go with it.
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